I want to be more like the Thessalonicans

In my continuos effort to first find out who the true Jesus of the bible is and second to model my life after this bold and adventurous man I have found that I am nothing like him. I am nothing like him because all Jesus did with his time on earth was love people and speak against those who did not. As I read and search through the gospel I find that I am more like the despicable, judgmental, and hateful Pharisee then like my loving and compassionate Jesus. In my efforts to change this I see that it is going to take a lot more then just wanting and a lot more doing. Jesus loved at all times, and sadly that is one of the most difficult things for me to do. I feel much love for my family and my friends but this of course is because I receive much love from them. I believe my problem is that I can not love with out knowing that I will get something back from that person, loving them just because I have an eternal access to the greatest love there is, is just not a good enough incentive for me i guess, which of course is sad and pathetic. I love serving people, any person really, the people closest to me or people who need to the most. But loving them while I serve them is a different story. I do not hate them, or resent them in any way I guess I am just apathetic towards them and not for any particular reason. And that is the thing about apathy, it destroys that deepest part of your heart so you don’t know and of course care that you are apathetic. I once heard that the opposite of love is not hate it is apathy. This of course makes complete sense, because if I hate you I am taking the time and the energy to feel something towards you but if I am apathetic towards you it just means that I do not think you are worthy my energy and time. Sometimes I wish that I hated everyone because I think it would be a lot easier to break that habit and go back to loving them, when you feel apathetic towards most everyone it is extremely hard to break that habit and choose to feel something for them. This is my continual struggle to turn my lack of feeling and emotion (apathy) towards people to deep, real, compassionate love for them. As I read through 1 Thessalonians the main thing that stuck out to me about these people that Paul was writing to was there endless flow of love for the people around them. In 1 Thessalonians 4:10 it says ” And in fact you do love all the brothers throughout Macedonia. Yet we urge you, brothers, to do so more and more”. These people obviously got the loving people part down pretty well and Paul is still urging them to do it more and more. I want to be more like the Thessalonicans and love fearlessly and without exceptions, a love that has no limits.

5 weeks and counting

So I only have 5 weeks left until I head out. I am so ready to leave and I can’t really put my finger on why. I don’t feel the need to get away from my family, I am not really around them that much now, Michael is in Japan and I hardly see my parents because of our busy schedules. I love my friends and leaving them will be hard but I still have this sense or urgency to go to a new place. I should be scared to move 6 hours from home and go to a place where I know no one, but I am not. I want to go now. I realize I should enjoy the time I have left but I work nine hours a day and I am usually to tired to do anything after work. I suppose you are supposes to feel this way, I guess you aren’t suppose to enjoy your summer after you graduate. It doesn’t even really feel like summer. I just feel like I am going through the motions to get to the end. Oh well, enough complaining, I mean it isn’t horrible it is just monotonous. At least I love my job, that is one thing I can say that most other teenagers can’t. I work at a summer camp with kindergartens and 1st graders and even though I say they drive me crazy they actually help me keep my sanity. They teach me a lot; like how to love Jesus the way he commands us too, to enjoy the simple things in life, how to laugh, and how to love others. The weekends are actually boring for me, all of my friends work so I just sit around and wait for monday to come so I can see my kids again. I told one of my kids named Brandon that it is sad that the person I will miss the most when I go to college will be a 6 year old boy. I assume that my life will get a little more interesting once my bother returns from Japan… he makes everything more interesting and he will be working at the summer camp with me so seeing him all day will be fun. I think it is weird how I am going non-stop throughout the week and when the weekend rolls by when I actually have free time I don’t use it I just sit at home and read, oh well I guess I like it that. I live in extremes, it has worked well for me for the past 19 years no need to contemplate why I do it and change now! Well this is my 1st post I assume that about 2 people will be reading this those people being Michael and Amy and they probably wont read this but oh well it is nice to write my thoughts down rather then jotting them down on my near-by napkin!

[Amy I miss you come home from California, Michael I miss you come home from Japan! It is sad that 2 of my best friends are so far away!]